150. Writing Hiatis and experiencing the negative thoughts of Diabetes.

so I lied, well not really. I said I would write and blog more- but I haven’t been. Opps. and sorry to all those wanting posts! I’ve been scribbling down notes, ideas, and thoughts- so not all is lost. I promise! I will try and get to twice a week again because I think that is a good number. Why I haven’t been writing? I don’t want to throw out excuses or anything- I’m not making excuses. But I’ve been all over the place since coming home- hasn’t helped- (also writing about that in this post- I see a long post on my future- this post exactly). I’ve been working and writing papers- as well as many other odds and ends. I’ve been strengthening my foot! It no longer hurts- at all- after about 6 weeks of nonsense- TAKE THAT PARISIAN COBBLESTONES. Now- I stop running when my run is done- not because of the pain. I’ve also started doing yoga- liking it so far- but gosh- makes me feel that I am not strong or flexible all! Improvement time! I have also become better at making sure I read or watch the news every single morning- and I visit various news sources for this- because they are biases- every one of them. We are actually all biased in one way or another- if you say you are not… sadly you are wrong. It’s not terrible to have biases, but you should be aware of them.

On another note- some not so great things have been going on- Diabetes and non-Diabetes related. Before I started writing this, this morning- I was debating on this post in general as well as mentioning what has been going on. But I decided I probably should. I do get slightly uncomfortable talking talking about things that aren’t anger or happiness- but I know that needs to change, and I promise- I’m working on it. I also thought maybe this will hit home with someone, and I know that there are people who understand- been in the same boat- or are?

Non-Diabetes related first- I can’t go into complete detail- but some circumstances occurred that caused my stress to increase dramatically (does not help the blood sugars). if this blog was completely anonymous, I would probably have no trouble saying it what it is. My stress level is slowly going down- thankfully- also I’m grateful that Paris did change my life (lessons post to come- promise). What has happened- as of now I have done all I can about it, and there’s nothing I can really do until classes start up- so making myself worry over something at this moment- not a good idea. It’s almost out of my mind. Because of these circumstances I could no longer volunteer at Camp Kudzu’s first ever day camp- which is occurring right now. I wish I could be there, but while I thought about it, I realized it going was going to be a bad idea for me in many ways- the commute, money on gas, not being able to work, not being able to write papers, etc. So after thinking it over- I decided I need to sadly tell the directors I could not make it- They were completely understanding, and at least I have camp in a few weeks!

Diabetes….

I would like to start with the fact that I have my endo appointment a week from tomorrow. I will began my appointment with- I really do apologize but I accidentally took a Diabetes vacation. At first it was for my sanity, but then I just became angry and continued anyways. I will be going from an appointment where my a1c went down- to an appointment where I know it will go up- I’m not really stressed or upset anymore (I was)- I am just acknowledging it. I care about my a1c’s and I know what happened. and I’ll go back to normal.

I would like to continue with the fact that my pediatric nurse practitioner warned me that I might have a long moment like this- the one I am currently experiencing but I believe to be towards the end…. I’ve had Diabetes since I was 7 right? Well- I’ve always had moments where I grow irritated with Diabetes or I haven’t completely taken care of it like I should. But I have never had a moment where I truly- HATE, ignore, grow incredibly upset and anxious, along with other heightened emotions- concerning Diabetes. Well I reached it. I finally had that moment, and I know what she was talking about- she also said it was okay to have those moments and that they do last a little longer than I would like. I believe I am starting to go back to normal on how I see Diabetes- basically I try my best to be positive about it. But since week 2 in Paris- I have been completely the opposite.

Well- we all know I hurt my foot about week two- so I could no longer run every day like I had been- what I also believe one of the two final things that kind of did my blood sugars in as well as how I feel about Diabetes. My blood sugars became out of control at the point- no more exercise and I was stressed about not being able to run and my blood sugars (doesn’t really help at all). I know that many things come together to impact my DiabetesDiabetes- I think we need to break up post. But when I could no longer run- it pushed it over the edge- I kept trying to manage my blood sugars like I usually do- which tends to be on the perfectionist side- which isn’t always the best– I know. But I continued on this path- and I slowly started stressing out. a lot.

I reached my moment on our “old Parisian staircase” in our dorm- I cried about it- people did comfort me and check on my later which really does mean a lot- I do not think they even know. But for one of the first times that I can recall- I finally really felt in my heart so much anger and disgust and sadness involving Diabetes- I kept repeating- I just want to be normal- for once in my life I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want this anymore- I don’t care anymore. I just want it to go away. I don’t even care that it has to do with what I want to do in life. Why have I ever been positive about this? This sucks. I hate this so much. It’s not fair (I HATE SAYING THAT). This is too much. I am so done. Why do I bother with this at all. It doesn’t matter- continue on with related thoughts.

I just wanted to be like everyone else- the desire for that was so high. Usually, I try to “embrace” Diabetes, and have a positive attitude about it- I don’t want to be angry and upset all the time.

At the same time- I was so high and I had high ketones- did not help my emotional state all- but these feelings continued even after I went down. I also couldn’t put words into understandable sentences, and i apparently I looked very sick and upset- no one questioned what I was going through even if though they didn’t understand-  This was one of the first times that I had never been questioned or told to get over it anything- that moment- those people who I was studying abroad with- were some of the best people I knew- they were amazing in my book- and I still barely knew them yet.

After I cried, I decided my new method of Diabetes management would be- as long as I don’t feel terrible- I don’t really care.

that’s what I did. It was a good day if I was in the 200s. I don’t even want to know my average blood sugar right now actually. Being on shots probably didn’t help (post on shots vs. pump to come). but usually I do well on shots.

When I arrived home, things didn’t improve like I thought. I remained high, and I was struggling to manage it correctly.

I was tired of not feeling great, and I was tired of the symptoms of my blood sugars.

I tried to not say too much – especially to the non-Diabetes people in my life- if they read this- I will receive a- “Mindy…. really? you could have and we wouldn’t have a problem with it” I do understand that. to an extent- something just doesn’t click all the time- I still have problems asking for help, and I worry that people will become irritated with me. So I usually just keep it to myself.

One day I reached a point of I cannot handle this anymore. I had been trying so hard to get it under control.

Then.

I received an email from UGA’s Disability Resource Center- telling me that I had been nominated for the Dean’s Student Advisory Board on campus (I am on it!)- to fill the sport for the DRC- she said I was so active in the Speaker’s Bureau, and she thought it would be good practice for me as well (she knows what I want to do). I also feel it will look WONDERFUL on my resume. So bonus. I am so excited to be on this! From the website-

Dean of Students Advisory Board

The Dean of Students Advisory Board is comprised of 20 student leaders who represent a wide variety of student organizations and disciplines on campus. The mission of the board is to maintain open dialogue and to engage in productive conversation about items of mutual interest. Particular focus is given to issues concerning Intercultural Affairs, Student Life and the Tate Student Center.

I am beyond excited. I had been hating on Diabetes so much- but this did remind me of the “good” that I believe comes from it. I am not nearly as angry or upset about it anymore- I still am a little bit. But not as much- I am running my feelings out, crafting, writing, and trying to relax- oh yeah- and talk about it with people in my life who do care

It also helps- that Diabetes FINALLY decided to cooperate with me.

I know that it is okay to have the feelings sometimes- I know that these moments do happen. I know that it is okay- as long as I don’t completely ignore it and let it completely go out of control- I’m going to be okay. It’s just a number. It really is just a number. It’s just data. I promise. Numbers don’t completely reflect who I am as a person. They do not tell the whole entire story- they just guide me to better Diabetes management- which I am doing again.

Love, Words, Insulin, and Inspiration! -Until Next Time! and Until there’s a cure!

 

Hey you! Yes, you! 

Let’s connect on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram (maybe even 2 or all of those!). 

If you enjoyed this post, please comment and share. I’d also appreciate your feedback.

and of course-don’t forget to keep up with “There’s More to the Story” via email! (Right sidebar towards the top).

We’ll both be glad you did! -Mindy

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “150. Writing Hiatis and experiencing the negative thoughts of Diabetes.

  1. You know what’s awesome about you? EVERYTHING!!!!

    Seriously Mindy, you have no idea.

    This world is full of emotional idiots who stick their heads in the sand and you are so far away from being one of them. It’s so important to feel all of the diabetic screams, these are the emotional warning signs and you are not closed off to them.

    Then sharing as you do, so many people deny and you share. That makes you special and it helps us all understand through a lifetime of shared experience.

    Only through a rightful understanding can we accept a just responsibility, and you are all over it.

    Paul

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s